Can't help but do something
by MilleCrepe069
Summary: Allen was used to doing things. He was someone who couldn't rest. Now what would happen when he gets some slack after a mission? R&R! :) rated T for now.


**hi! hi!, and again another story.. still haven't been able to organize my thoughts on the others. :)**  
**please do a good read of them too and maybe comment so I can get some motivation lol**

**anyway, this is mainly narrative *trying. comments help! ^_^**

**-millecrepe**

* * *

He was never bored, that was what he would always say to himself. He always found things he wanted to do. He would play pranks on people. He would play tricks to earn. He would run around alleyways, even steal food to keep himself from hunger when times were bad, and at the end of the day, he would run down to a small spot in that dark alley to sleep for the night.

"I'm fine alone, I can do it" he would always say before he cuddle to himself in hope of something warm.

_'I'm not sad'_ he would often add in his thoughts as he drifts off to where his adoptive father was, and that was home to him. No matter how dingy that place was, Mana was there when he sleeps.

Not once did he ever thought he would have time to be bored in his newly found home. He had been taken in by Cross and in those times, he never had time to be bored-he didn't even have any sleep, for goodness sake. He would always, always do the maths for his master. And he was good at earning to decrease those numbers, which Cross would increase three-fold. But here, there was nothing to do. Well, except maybe for the missions they get to go to, but without those they were totally free.

Not that Allen was complaining, but all those years of thinking of where to get food, where to stay for the night or even those times with Cross when money was always in his mind that it even haunt him in his sleep-which is why he decided not to and just earn all day and night,instead of worry- had him restless. He wasn't used to getting any sleep.

And this was one such time where he didn't get to do anything. He just came from a heavy mission and was told to rest.

He didn't like resting, not because he was told to walk and don't stop **(A/N: haha sounded like a joke)**. It was because that was the time he would drift to his sleep and find Mana not there. He was replaced by those friends of his, the smiling Lenalee, the grinning Lavi and as odd as he was he even had his "friend" Kanda grimacing in the corner of his dream, as though being there to contrast all the happiness.

Don't get him wrong though, He likes the guy. The samurai was the only one arguing with him, a great stress reliever. Put in simpler, sweeter terms, He was someone who kept him humane.

He shifted in his bed, causing creases in his mattress. And just as he did so, like a remote control, his thoughts shifted too. He was now thinking of himself, of how ugly he was. He had burns in his left hand, a scar of his left eye, and even if you cut him in half he still wound't be so normal with his perfectly white hair. He thought of Mana, his overly sweet father. He admits that there were times when Mana did things that embarrassed him,he was a clown and that was what clowns do right? but thinking now, he'd rather have those times back.

But Mana had someone else he loved too,_ 'and what was he called again?..was it Neah?'_ Allen thought. He never met the guy but somehow he knew he was competing with him for his father's love. And no matter how many times Mana told him how much he loved him, he could never compare it to that one time the name "Neah" came out of his father's mouth. Even though the name just slipped out with no other words accompanying it, he knew at his young age that it meant love. And he was jealous. He didn't want to think of this and so he tried to think of something else. Nothing was worse then being jealous, he should have been happy with the love he had received-better than none at all, which was probably what he'd have if he hadn't met Mana. And he loved Mana.

He soon drifted to how his friends looked after him. Lenalee loves him and he could see it very well. He knew he was loved only as a friend though, and as much as everyone else she holds dear, with a considerable amount saved for his brother. Lavi thought he was interesting as he said so every time he had the chance to but this one-eyed guy thought of many as that too. And then, much to his dismay, he drifted to his samurai friend. He didn't really know anything about Kanda _'That BaKanda'_ he mentally added and his thoughts weren't going anywhere because of it.

_'What if Kanda, too, has someone he loved?'_ that came from nowhere. _'haha, no way'_ he thought, as if he wasn't the one who thought of it in the first place. _'but what if he does?'_ he clutched his chest as immense pain seemed to accumulate there. Sure he was injured, but it was just a sprain on the ankle for stumbling down to buildings after being hit by an akuma while he was not paying attention.

"and that was that Bakanda's fault too" he mumbled ever so lightly. They were together on that mission and for some reason, he was worried about something. Maybe it was because he had walked in the baths just when Kanda Yu was changing the day before. He hurriedly buried his face in his pillow, hiding his face when no one was even there to see him, just in case(it was a reflex too). 'I_ did not think of naughty thoughts!' _and he never will admit even if he did. But his tomato red face will probably give it away. What bothered him that time though was not the beautifully toned muscles Kanda had as he recalled from what happened. _'even though it really was perfectly toned compared to mine' _the thought still managed to linger and yes, he was jealous of that too. At that time he noticed the tattoo on the other exorcist's chest, it had a symbol at the center surrounded by rings in a conflicting manner. He already saw it before but somehow it seemed different, it looked bigger and more confusing than ever. And that was what caught him off guard at that time, resulting to a sprained ankle. The thought irritated him.

But he still couldn't help but think about him. He was annoying as hell and he even mentally praised himself for being able to manage smiling in front of the grumpy exorcist. There were times though, when he couldn't. In front of everyone else maybe, but in front of_ him.. _They were like two peas in the same pod, in a bad way. The both of them do not talk to the other much, well they argue, but they sense each other's dark sides and it often led to physical confrontations and a dark Allen-which the order probably wouldn't have seen if it wasn't for Kanda.

Really, He let himself show too much when that exorcist was around. He didn't understand why the samurai always craved for his head though. He was the only one who had_ that_ kind of treatment, not even Lavi went through the Mugen slicing him for no particular reason at all. He just wanted to freaking talk with him and he was even properly calling him Kanda, so why?_ 'can't we just talk without getting into each other's throats?'_ he thought to himself once again. AND not once did he ever hear him call his name, he suddenly realized and now he was pouting.

"Allen" he said mostly to himself while facing the ceiling of his room, hands unconsciously stretched out to an image formed, that of a very grumpy exorcist. 'haha, I can't even imagine him saying my name in a friendly tone' he sadly laughed putting his outstretched hand to his face, covering his pained features.

He stayed like that in silence.

He got up as he knew he would not succeed in changing his series of thoughts and left his room without even bothering to clean up the now disheveled bed. He did not realize that he had been shifting too much.

One thing was clear though, he knew what he wanted.

He wanted to leave his monochrome life. He wanted someone to love him, just him. He wanted someone to tell him he was perfect the way he was. He wanted the world or at least just someone's world to revolve around him. He wanted to feel loved once again, the fluffiness and warmth of it all. Then he thought himself pitiful, for he knew that he couldn't get those-not when he just realized that his world suddenly revolved around a certain samurai. He wanted to be madly loved, not the other way around.

then he realized that his "random" strolling through the order led him to the kitchen or maybe it was instinct? He needed to eat and after that, he can go and find out how those butterflies got to his stomach.

All was confusing. He didn't understand what he was feeling and he couldn't stop thinking. The only thing he knew was that he liked him more than he hated him. And just as he yearned for the other's presence, for the other's touch, he decided to let his emotions run wild just this time. Even if he'll probably get beaten up before he could do so.

He guessed that it would take time before he gets bored again.

* * *

**okay, so what'd you think? you think I can make another chapter for this? :)  
*****not really sure how it turned out. I would really love to a beta reader (I dunno how that works though)****  
**

**Read and rate dears! ^^**

**edited: some parts/okay not just some, cause it all went too fast.. haha thanks for pointing that out, SweetScarlett97 :)**


End file.
